30) Jurassic World Rebirth (2025)

(2 's out of 5)

"Intelligence is massively overrated as an adaptive trait."

Director
Gareth Edwards

Cast
Scarlett Johansson - Zora Bennett
Jonathan Bailey - Dr. Henry Loomis
Mahershala Ali - Duncan Kincaid
Rupert Friend - Martin Krebs
Manuel Garcia-Rulfo - Reuben Delgado
Luna Blaise - Teresa Delgado
Audrina Miranda - Isabella Delgado
David Iacono - Xavier Dobbs

I thought the "Jurassic Park" movies would someday shift away from the repetitious formula of dinosaurs chasing people stranded on dangerous deserted islands at some point within the six movies that came out after the first movie from 1993. 

I thought that was the direction the franchise was taking in "Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom" from 2018. That movie came close, as far as I remember, to possibly having a series of movies in which dinosaurs knock us off the top of the food chain on a global scale. But nope. Here we are at the seventh movie in the franchise, which I've dubbed, "Dinosaurs Chasing People part 7" and the writers are still telling the same story as before. 

In this new movie, dinosaurs chase a new crew of idiots on a deserted island just as they always do. This time, the experience stars Scarlett Johansson.

The movie starts in 2008 as scientists and researchers at InGen (International Genetic Technologies, Inc.), the same company responsible for cloning all those dinosaurs, are doing their same old dinosaur research over at Île Saint-Hubert which is in some secluded spot out on the Atlantic. Over at this lab, they're coming up with all kinds of genetically modified dinosaurs. 

Well, an angry, hungry and freaky looking Tyrannosauroidea, which the scientists call "Distortus rex" breaks free from its very scientific highly secure containment and eats a worker, etc., etc. We've seen it all before.

This giant dinosaur is too much for the workers to control, so they ditch the facility thus giving the franchise another deserted island so new group of morons can have a place to run from dinosaurs. 

The story shifts to present day. And of course, Earth's climate has made the world an uninhabitable

place for all the dinosaurs because climate change is among the sacred dogmas of the party that runs Hollywood. I'm mean, it's killing off fictional dinosaurs, people! DO SOMETHING! 

It's also a way for the writers to kill off any possibility for a different kind of story in the franchise. 

However, dinosaurs are thriving in areas in and around the equator. The climate down there is similar to what the Earth's climate was back when dinosaurs roamed the Earth the first time. 

World governments have forbidden travel to these dinosaur zones which make it abundantly clear that this movie is going to surround people going to that no-people zone. 

A pharmaceutical executive named Martin Krebs (Rupert Friend), who works for ParkerGenix, asks former military covert operative, Zora Bennett (Scarlett Johansson) to speak with paleontologist Dr. Henry Loomis (Jonathan Bailey) regarding a super-duper secret mission. 

Obviously, that super-secret mission will involve that deserted island infested with dinosaurs including that freaky dinosaur from the beginning. The purpose of this mission is to collect organic samples from three specific dinosaur species in order to develop remedies to treat heart disease.
Zora asks her old pal, Duncan Kincaid (Mahershala Ali), to lead her team of island-visiting medicine making rebels. Kincaid agrees and even has a small team of his own as well. So, off they all go. 

Elsewhere on the seas, Reuben Delgado (Manuel Garcia-Rulfo) is out on his private boat sailing with his youngest daughter, Isabella (Audrina Miranda), his older daughter, Teresa (Luna Blaise) along with Teresa's boyfriend, Xavier Dobbs (David Iacono) for a family trip. 

They end up shipwrecked thanks to underwater dwelling dinosaurs. They're picked up by Duncan and the crew and are forced to go with them to the big, lonely, deserted dinosaur island. Once they all arrive they're chased around as they try to get their samples. 

Basically, the movie is about "sciencey" yet mindless researcher/ pharmaceutical people who haven't learned much from the previous six movies. These idiots get to the island and continue to be chased and eaten until they can get off the island. Does that premise sound familiar?

Honestly, I'm growing tired of these "Jurassic Park" movies. By this point, they've become dull and repetitive. The premise of bringing dinosaurs back through science and whatever else is involved was thrilling and entertaining to watch the first time around. The seventh time is boring. 

The characters are the same types of characters as before tossing out the same kind of lines. The premise, of course, hasn't changed much. The characters become more and more forgettable. 

Scarlett Johansson being all bad-ass and stuff.

The first film, directed by Steven Spielberg, is a fantastic movie. 

The second movie, "The Lost World: Jurassic Park" also directed by Steven Spielberg is mediocre but still entertaining. The dinosaurs may look alright, but the characters are trapped in the repeated plot all while lacking personality and, really, anything interesting. Regardless I was sold on the twist when the Tyrannosaurus breaks free and rampages through San Diego. I think this is the only logical premise the franchise needs to go. 

"Jurassic Park III" has all the feels of an unnecessary sequel. And again, the characters lack depth. They're just dinosaur chow. 

The fourth installment, "Jurassic World" tried to do the theme park plot all over again but with vacationing park visitors this time around. It also introduces a genetically modified insane dinosaur. Chris Pratt is a nice addition but, again, it's a premise that audiences have seen already. 

"Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom" repeats the same premise. Still, it gave me hope as the sub-plot concerning rich and stupid millionaires and billionaires purchasing dinosaurs through auction indicated the overall premise may finally take the dinosaurs off the deserted island and into places where they'd be the most terrifying. That place being anywhere else than a deserted island. I would love a movie with dinosaurs running through urban areas. 

My hopes crashed when "Jurassic World: Dominion" came out. It brought back the characters from the first movie, and they just did what they've done before - run from dinosaurs on a deserted island.
And that takes us to this movie. Only this time, the story includes criticism about pharmaceutical companies and the healthcare system.
The characters in "Jurassic World Rebirth" mutter throw-away lines like, "We don't rule the Earth. We just think we do" and "We're changing the environment, but that makes us the ones to worry about, not the planet. When the Earth gets tired of us, believe me, it will shake us off like a summer cold." Yawn! Who hasn't heard all that before?

As I said, the movies got close to turning the franchise towards a compelling premise, but the writers proved they can't break themselves free from this habitual storyline of theirs. They'd rather bore the audience than intrigue them with something new and even more dangerous, terrifying and more closer to home. 

I joked with my wife, who's a fan of the "Jurassic Park" movies that even though I dub them "Dinosaurs Chasing People part whichever" I really can't make fun of them as I'm a Godzilla afficionado and there's over 30 of those movies. 

Godzilla movies generally involve "the king of the monsters" attacking Tokyo or some other city while innocent people run in terror. In between all that, Godzilla will take on another monster, or multiple monsters at once such as in "Destroy All Monsters" (1968) and "Godzilla, Mothra and King Ghidorah: Giant Monsters All-Out Attack" (2001). 

Dinosaur ballet? 

Most of those movies manage to offer the audience something new, and they generally try to out-do the previous movie. 

The last Godzilla movie from Japan, "Godzilla Minus One" which is the 37th movie in the franchise according to Wikipedia, is absolutely fantastic. I think it's one of the best Godzilla movies since the first one, "Gojira" from 1954. 

The writers over at Toho Studios can take an IP as old as Godzilla and make a new, captivating movie that feels original after all these decades. 

With "Jurassic Park" it's the same premise with the same idiot characters. 

"Jurassic World Rebirth" is just another Hollywood finger wag about some dogma of theirs we all must acknowledge and bow to. This time, it's Hollywood lecturing audiences about how terrible our healthcare system is. Those writers really went out of their way to tie in a healthcare protest into a Jurassic Park movie. Slow clap!

Outside of Scarlett Johansson's character and the dad who's rescued with his kids, I just didn't care what was going to happen to anyone in this movie. 

Even by the end of the movie, I completely forgot about the boyfriend character. I didn't notice if he was even among the characters being rescued or not. Oh, spoiler! The people who weren't eat by dinosaurs are finally rescued at the end. Anyways, I had to ask my wife if he made it off the island as I didn't see any dinosaurs eat him.

There were a few plot points that I anticipated a good payoff for but got absolutely no payoff whatsoever. That was disappointing. 

In one scene, a Tyrannosaurus attacks the family as the try to escape down a river on an inflatable raft. The T-rex grabs the raft with its razor-sharp teeth and chews it ravenously. A few moments, later, the raft pops up out of the water fully inflated for the family to ride out of danger on. Spoiler - the inflatable raft survives! 

Lastly, the scene I've included below is definitely ripped off from "Jaws." Spoiler - this movie rips off "Jaws." 

This movie is just another cash grab that offers nothing new save for new characters, none of whom are interesting enough to grow invested in. 

I wanted to give this movie a 1.5 rating, but Scarlett Johannson wasn't terrible in this movie. She does a pretty decent job with what she's given. Hers is not a bad performance. So, I generously bumped up my rating to a two. You're welcome, movie. Thanks for nothing, though.